A few hours later I took my first positive pregnancy test. I thought it was so cool that God gave me that verse earlier that morning. I had no idea that it was more than just a fun way to hear God's voice.
I had no idea the road that lay ahead.
My blood sugars were dangerously high during the first trimester - the most crucial time for a baby's development. There was a good chance my baby would be born with damage to the brain, heart, spinal cord, missing limbs or even miscarriage.
and each time God spoke Jeremiah 1:5 to me.
The midwife couldn't find a heartbeat so we decided to do an ultrasound.
They couldn't find a baby. I was told that I was not pregnant.
While I waited for the bloodwork to determine whether I was actually pregnant (even though I KNEW I was) the Lord continued to reassure me. This time through a dream.
~ I was in a room of doctors doing an ultrasound. In the ultrasound the baby was
DANCING. It was a little girl with dark curly hair and dark eyes. She was perfectly healthy dancing and dancing and the doctors were all scratching their head saying
"She shouldn't be doing that!"~
The Lord was not only reassuring me that our baby girl is going to be absolutely fine but looking back now it was foretelling that she may baffle a few doctors along the way too :-)
Our 20 week ultrasound confirmed that my dream was right and it was a girl AND she was perfectly healthy!
Praise God!!
The next 10 weeks were pretty awesome. I had the diabetes under control (beside a few emotional breakdowns because I couldn't eat bread or icecream or fruit...ok maybe a little more than a FEW emotional breakdowns.. but hey I made it) and I was able to do a lot of traveling. Cosette got to go to Puerto Rico AND Alaska.
At the 30 weeks the doctor did an ultrasound to check that the baby was not getting too big (a common "side effect" of diabetics). We saw a perfect 4lb baby that measured exactly what she should have for that gestational age....
They also found fluid on her brain.
I was told it could be something severe like down syndrome or one of the other Trisomy chromosomal diseases (some which have a very very low survival rate). Or it could be nothing at all.
Despite the doctor's efforts to fill my mind with "too much info" and scare the daylights out of me...
God gave me peace that passes all understanding.
Each time I would get prayer of healing for our little Cosette.
The Lord would remind me that he has it under control.
He told one woman who was praying for me
"I love your baby girl more than you could
EVER love her.
Trust me, I have it under control."
and time and time again... the Lord would tell each person who prayed for me Jeremiah 1:5
Cosette was also breech. I tried every trick in the book that I could think of to turn her but.. she didn't want to turn. We could have had the doctor try to manually turn her from the outside - an "external version" but we decided that there must be a reason she was that way - God has it under control.
And so the last trimester was full of the back and forth of worry countered by God's reassurance... it was a LOOOONG 10 weeks. Since I wasn't able to have a home birth, my plan was to labor at home and then deliver her at the hospital. I kept saying that my worst fear would be that my water would break in the doctor's office because then they wouldn't let me labor at home...
My mom thought that was the silliest thing for me to keep saying that. She kept thinking "why in the world would you think your water would break at the doctor's office of all places..."
Maybe I talked about it so much and convinced my body to make it come true or maybe God told me in a dream and that's why I kept thinking it or maybe it was just coincidence but I was sitting on the table at the doctor's office waiting for him to come in to check me when...
"POP" - my water broke!!
I tried hard to hold back my tears as I sent Lance a text to have him come to the hospital. No home birth for me.. no laboring at home... nope... i'm having this baby in the hospital from the beginning.
Its hard to explain why it was such a huge hearts desire to be at home. Its not that I think you can't have a perfectly healthy birthing experience in a hospital. I did it twice now.
Its just the "experience" of delivering my baby at home, in a calm, peaceful environment, without a crew of nurses coming in and out.. trying to prick you and your baby with needles that you have to fight to deny...
and having Cosette in the hospital was particularly challenging since she was "high risk". I often sit and think of all of the things I "should" have done differently so I didn't have to experience what I experienced...and had her at home. At the end of the day I can't blame anyone but God and, well, he took care of her from Day 1 so I suppose its not my place to question him. There was only one way I was going to labor in the hospital....it was if my water broke in the doctor's office... and that is EXACTLY what happened.
They put me in a wheel chair and we went right over to the hospital (the office is connected to the hospital).
I tried to hide my tears as I cried the whole way. The nurse must have thought i was crazy.. why is this girl crying.. she's about to have a baby! I told her it was because I was in shock. haha.
They got me settled in the hospital room and set up the monitor to track my contractions. They started to put an IV in me and I yelled "WHAT are you doing?!!?" haha. I guess my patience was a little short. I forget what her reasoning for me "needing" an IV but I quickly denied that... along with any other "chemicals" that they planned on putting in my or my babies body.
And so.. between contractions.. I had to sign a stack of paperwork stating I am denying EVERYTHING.
After that.. they dimmed the lights and left me alone with Amber (my midwife) and Lance. This was the best part of the entire labor (ironic, huh, since its technically the most painful). With each contraction Lance and Amber helped me breath through them. They rubbed my back and talked me through each step. We tried several different positions but I found kneeling backwards on the bed was most comfortable.
Of course the contractions were painful - but the room was quiet and peaceful. Lance said that when I had first told him I wanted to deliver the baby naturally he imagined the classic hollywood portrayal of a women screaming in agony, blurting out obscenities and threatening to never have a baby again... instead it was nearly silent in the room as I quietly worked through the contractions with my two best coaches at my side.
And then I felt the urge to push...
Amber went and told the nurse. And that was when things got a little crazy. The room was suddenly filled with nurses and hospital staff and the head nurse was shocked to see how far along I had progressed so quickly. They called the doctor but he wasn't there at the time - so I had to wait until he got there.
But, my body didn't want to wait. Cosette was ready to come out!!
In the meantime, the head nurse was not so happy that I refused the IV and made me have the needle put in my hand (even though they never ended up using it anyway). All the while, she is screaming at me telling me NOT TO PUSH because the baby is breach and the doctor NEEDS to be there.
I can not begin to explain how impossible it is to NOT push when your body is telling you to - so I was screaming back at her telling her I NEED TO PUSH - WHERE IS THE DOCTOR?!?!?
With her fingers the nurse proceeded to "hold the baby in" and actually tried pushing her back in! Amber kept swatting at the nurse to get her to STOP.
In what felt like an eternity.. the doctor arrived and made me move out of my comfy backwards position to my back and finally I was able to push.
I was concentrating on pushing and never thought to look. Amber said "Merrie, look at your baby" and I SCREAMED with delight as I saw her body coming out of me. Lance said it was an amazing moment that gave him chills.
One last push and out came Cosette's little head at 7:33pm on December 7th.
6lb 14oz 19in
(they actually told me she was 20 in but I went to
2 different ped's the next week and both measured her at 19in.)
Just 4 hours after my water broke.
Our little genius baby was crying "maaa maaa"
The nurses said "Wow, she's saying her first words right out of the womb" haha
I wanted her to come to me right after birth and I wanted them to wait to cut the umbilical cord but they didn't do either of those things (by the way, the cord was pretty short and wrapped around her shoulder... most likely the reason she was breech). Instead they cut the cord and cleaned her up and THEN nitpicked at every little thing about her. I don't think this is normal protocol but because she had fluid on her brain they wanted to be sure she didn't have downs syndrome.
When I first met Cosette the doctor who brought her to me said
"there are a few things you should know about your baby..."
and proceeded to point out any thing that was different from "normal" in their book.
She continued "...and so these are all signs of downs syndrome".
At the moment I DIDN'T CARE WHETHER SHE WAS BORN WITH 3 EYES
she was MY BABY and absolutely PERFECT TO ME.
When I finally got to hold her it was love at first sight.
They wanted us to stay an extra day and have an inpatient MRI but we were so OVER the hospital and made them discharge us early. We did an MRI on her brain the next morning.
Over the past month, I learned that she does NOT have downs syndrome and all of the little things that pointed out have gone away (I'm glad it was so important they couldn't have waited until after I met her to tell me about it). She has excellent reflexes and she is extremely alert.
She is absolutely perfect. She is the most easy going, mellow baby. She nurses well and often gives me 5 hours of sleep at night. She likes to bite her bottom lip - Lance said she was actually biting her bottom lip when she was delivered. She was born tongue tied so we had that taken care of the next week. She likes to hold her hands at her chest right under her chin. She has a little bit of dark hair on her head and her eyes are so dark you can barely tell what color they are. When she is going to sleep or waking up she usually only open/closes one eye at a time. We say she likes to give the "one eye" or the "pirate stare". :-)
She has the most adorable little smile that makes me melt.
She. is. perfect.
She was born on a Wednesday and the following Sunday was Javan's pagent at school. I could NOT miss that so we loaded her up and went to church... 4 days old.
During the worship I felt the Holy Spirit come over me and the Lord said to me:
"See Merrie, I TOLD you everything was going to just fine."
As a nursing, sleep deprived, hormonal mother you better believe I CRIED tears of joy and RELIEF when I heard those words from the Lord. It was the most amazing moment to be reminded that all of those times the Lord reminded me that he had it under control - HE WASN'T LYING... He really did take care of our little girl and I am so glad that I trusted Him.
Our darling little "Coco"
